I have had a little rest and some time to think.  I am not going to be maintaining a daily schedule, regarding my Journal for the time being.  It just does not really make sense to do that.  I am, as I have said, collecting every single posting from all of the journals I am following.  And I am going to begin to look through those and make comments where I believe it will be appropriate.  But I want everyone who is aware that I am following their Journal to please understand, I am very honored to be following your Journal.  And I intend fully on commenting regarding some of the fantastic Journal entries you are writing.  It is as I said before, with the grief I am feeling for my darling wife Aileen coming and going, so to speak in my life, which is perfectly understandable, I am having to move a bit more slowly.  I just was not prepared for everything I am dealing with.  I was prepared to take care of her and to protect her.  I just was not really very prepared to live without her.

 

At the same time, I am attempting to shift my mental perspective away from being such a demonstrative type of personality which during my life with Aileen, even though I was a transgendered female at the time, for the most part, to more of a female.  Mental perspective.  The physical presentation of one’s gender is the easy thing to manipulate.  But as any woman in today’s society can certainly attest to, there are a number of factors in the modern American culture which make it rather difficult for women under certain circumstances to be able to get in touch with their femininity.  Because there are so many times in various situations where a woman being in touch with her femininity is less appropriate than at other times.  And so consequently I am of course exposed to a lot of those same factors or elements.

And then, when you add to that the loss of my wife with all the other things I am dealing with; making the psychological adjustment necessary to separate myself from the learned behavior.  I have adapted to during the 18 wonderful years I was married with Aileen, can become somewhat challenging.  However, as I said in my previous Journal note, I am supremely grateful that the people of Cleveland and all of you, my readers, have the tremendous understanding that you do.  Because my transgenderism has never been one whereby I ever wanted to present myself in any way like any of the comic representations of transgenderism that of course proliferate not only the Internet but throughout American society.  I am specifically reminded of one particular cartoon that showed someone in their 90s trying to look like a high school teenage girl.  So obviously, most of America views transgenderism as nothing more than a joke.

At the same time, I have never been one to take my appearance lightly.  In point of fact, growing up in the Maschke household was extremely psychologically and emotionally strenuous.  I was growing up basically in a family of millionaires.  And I was growing up with a mother and father who were extremely alcoholic and yet very prominent in Cleveland society.  So growing up, I was practically conditioned to always looking as the term goes, top drawer.  Growing up I was always seen when going out with the family in rather expensive suits or sports jackets and ensembles.

So, years ago, when I first began living outwardly as a transgendered female, that same kind of programming carried forward.  In other words I never dressed outwardly as a transgendered female in any kind of a show we or ostentatious or clownish manner.  And that is exactly how I maintain my transgenderism at this point.  To be consistent with my age, while at the same time, presenting myself in a manner that can be considered refined and not crude or clownish.  But of course, living in the area where I live there basically is no real degree of fashion sense among the women in this neighborhood at all.  And of course, part of that is because of the level of poverty.  And another part of it has to do with the degree of how difficult society makes it for women to feel confident or comfortable with their own femininity.  There are so many false stimuli that women are exposed to on a daily basis, that over the years I have encountered so many different types of women who have always said the same thing.  That getting in touch or feeling confident with regard to their own femininity has of course been somewhat of a challenge.  Many women of course would respond that it was nothing more than a very minor challenge.  And other women of course would respond that it was a major challenge.

For my part, the biggest stumbling block I have with psychologically repositioning my mental attitude pursuant to getting in touch with my femininity is more with regard to how I related to Aileen, both publicly and privately, in addition to how I related to her during the eight months.  She was dying and I was her caregiver.  But even when I lived in Denver, there were always those cultural elements that attempted to try and force external views of how I should in fact appear to others upon me which would in fact conflict to some degree with my attempts to make more solid and feel more comfortable with my own femininity.

So one of the New Year’s resolutions I made this year was to move forward with that psychological dynamic where I would actually feel more comfortable psychologically with my own femininity regardless of the tremendous amount of homophobia and outright hatred that the United States has for men who attempt to live as transgendered females.  And yet, in my own neighborhood, what is tremendously helpful is that all of my neighbors regard me totally and completely as just another lady in the neighborhood.  And while none of them of course, in any way are aware of the psychological dynamics I am talking about now.  The fact remains that because of their kindness they are actually making it easier for me to sort through the conflicting psychological issues within myself so that I am having an easier time settling psychologically with something that I have struggled with my entire life.

And of course my purpose is not to offend anyone.  That is why I hardly ever go out.  I maintain this property.  But maintaining this property does not mean I have to offend anyone.  Because everyone in the neighborhood knows I am transgendered, and they all accept that.  And because I under no circumstances want to offend anyone I therefore do not hardly go anywhere in the entire city of Cleveland except for the gay community in Cleveland on the West side which is liquid Ohio.  And then there are a couple of places near where I live where I have been assured by the people running these establishments that they accept me totally and are extremely protective of me so that I do not have to be confronted with the insults and verbal assaults.

And so consequently, along with all the other things I am trying to do with, this is another dynamic that I do not talk about very often because I know that it makes a lot of people extremely uncomfortable.  Because people do not really like things that are complicated.  And it is very difficult for people in what can be considered, the straight community, to understand the difference between someone who is a cross-dresser and someone who is a transvestite, and someone who is transgendered, and someone who is a transsexual, and then of course the drag queen.  And all of these are matters of gender representation.  And as I have said before, the American society does not seem to have any problem with a woman being able to manipulate the manner in which she represents her gender.  But the moment that a man attempts to do that, the United States has tremendous problems with that.  And of course one of the major problems is that in the United States as statistics that I have presented previously clearly show, approximately 600 transgendered females in the United States are murdered every single year.  And every single one of the murders that take place is in fact committed by a conservative and usually a Christian of some sort.  Every single one.

And that statement is not meant to target the Christian conservatives but meant to explain very clearly that liberals do not attack transgendered females.  It is only conservatives who have the tremendous hatred for men who dare to represent their gender.  In any way other than what the Christian conservatives demand.

And again, because I am not the kind of person that wants to offend anyone.  Because this is in fact the way reality is I therefore hardly go anywhere where I will stand any chance whatsoever of offending anyone.  So I keep my life extremely limited.  But at the same time, these are the very last years I am going to live in this world.  So I do not resolve this conflict now I never will be able to resolve it.  And it is not something that can be unlearned.  Not only because I am in fact a symbiotic twin with a good bit of my sister having been absorbed into me.  But in addition, it is something within myself that has always been more natural for so many different forms of expression.  And because of so many different things going on within me that for me not to try and resolve this and to live comfortably as a transgendered female would mean that I would actually be denied the same level of freedom and equality that so many American citizens so often take for granted.

And that is one of the reasons Aileen wanted me to go back.  Meaning to go back to living as a transgendered female.  And it is also one of the reasons I explained to her that I thought what she was asking was a terrible idea because I am 61 years old trying to do this.  But in any event, not only could I not break any promise I made to my darling wife Aileen.  But what she was asking also made sense.

I could.  At one point or another enumerate, meaning to list out, the different types of gender portrayal in what is known as the alternative lifestyle community.  But I hesitate at doing that, because again, trying to explain that would definitely make a lot of the very typical biological females in typical biological males extremely uncomfortable.  Because people do not like or gay they do not like people who are transgendered females.  And people will of course tolerate women who are transgendered with no problem at all.  And if someone is extremely famous them.  The country has no problem with them being transgendered.  Because they do not want to be seen showing their hatred for someone who is famous.  So the people who have all this hatred for transgendered females rarely act out against someone who is famous.  Of course there are exceptions like what Madonna did to Elton John at the Academy Awards.

So I am trying to explain some of the psychological dynamics I am going through.  Partially because this is my Journal.  But I am also doing so.  Because I know for a fact that there are transgendered females all over the world with some of them at the very least reading this Journal.  And because I have been living as a transgendered female for so long I am sure that some of these individuals are reading a lot of what I write.  And hopefully gaining something from what I am discussing.

Plus, if I do not talk about this in my Journal then I am holding back.  And I am not being forthright with regard to being as open and as candid as I possibly can, regarding my life, which is what this Journal is actually all about.

So in any event, that is one of the New Year’s resolutions I made for this year.  To finally cast off and separate myself from a lot of the psychological dynamics that I had adopted and had to adopt during my life with my darling Aileen, and especially during the time she was dying.  So it is a kind of psychological or mental shift that is in fact required.  As I said, because I have been living as a transgendered female for so long the physical portrayal is virtually automatic.  Meaning I am fairly expert at putting myself together, so to speak.  Meaning fixing my hair and putting my makeup on.  And getting ready to go out.  And of course in this neighborhood that something that a lot of women just do not do because not only is this neighborhood fairly poverty-stricken.  But again, this neighborhood is rife with drug abuse and alcoholism.  So consequently, those two dynamics.  Plus there are a number of games in this neighborhood.  And that basically means like I said, that women in this neighborhood do not generally have a real high degree of fashion sense.  There are of course exceptions.  But the reality of this neighborhood is extremely bleak.

Within five blocks of where I live there are at least 50 young girls 14 years and under who have to children.  And within 1 mile of where I live there are over 120 sexual predators or sexual offenders that are listed with the Sheriff’s office.  This neighborhood is truly a very core and extremely violent neighborhood.  So again, there really is not a high degree of fashion sense among the majority of women in this neighborhood.  But because of how I was raised, meaning I of course was raised as a boy even though at age 13 I began to manifest transgendered tendencies.  And during those years, like I said, because my family was in the blue book for Cleveland Ohio, meaning the social register.  I customarily was very well-heeled.  And I simply got used to that level of sophistication and refinement in the way I presented myself.

And of course there were a number of times during my marriage with Aileen, where I purposely presented myself more in a blue-collar style because not only was it easier for me to get things done for Aileen.  But it was also a bit more consistent with the neighborhood.

But because the neighborhood is the way it is.  I do not really have the opportunity, at least as a transgendered female, to dress down so to speak.  And it is not like I am dressing overtly formal in any way.  Because as my photographs really shows that is not the case.  But I do attempt to always per trade a kind of sophistication that is consistent with my age and at the same time presents the best possible or most positive image possible, regarding my transgenderism.  And that is the easy part of my transgenderism.  As I said, the more difficult part is extricating myself from and casting off the psychological mechanisms pursuant to my life with Aileen so that I can redefine various psychological mechanisms within myself to be more consistent with my transgenderism.  And as I said, that is a rather strenuous process, given all of the various circumstances going on in my life at this time.

And I am sure that what I am writing is probably making a number of people uncomfortable.  And I am sorry for that.  But as I said, if I do not talk about this aspect of my life then I am not only not being honest before God.  And I am not being honest, regarding my love for my wife Aileen.  But I am also not being honest with you.  And that is something I am just not going to do.  One of the major traits that everyone knows about me is that I am stone to the bone honest.

So for example, I make sure that I am totally put together every single day, whether I go out or not.  Because part of living as a transgendered female, regardless of what area I might live in, is that I do not, under any circumstances want to present myself simply as some guy dressed up and address.  That is not transgenderism.  And so regardless if it is summer and I am out maintaining the house, when I go out I go out of course with my face completely done.  So that no matter what I him never presenting myself other than what I am living as which is basically a female.  Or what can be literally termed as a transgendered female.

But of course, that also requires a certain amount of extra time to make sure that I am put together properly to portray my identity and who and what I am as tastefully and as respectfully and as effectively as I possibly can.

And I am sure that a lot of people are probably saying that what I am talking about is nothing more than bullshit.  And those people probably have no concept whatsoever about the major struggles that millions of transgendered people of all ages not only in the United States but throughout the entire world goes through Arab every single day.  And for anyone who is not aware all they have to do is look at the recent news in the United States and many of the suicides and hate crimes that are taking place regarding the gay and transgendered community.  Because when you do, you will get a very clear impression of the extremely powerful and conflicted and high-intensity struggles that a lot of the people in the gay community of all ages go through.

And if the so-called straight community were not as homophobic and hateful as they are of gay Americans and transgendered people, especially transgendered females, then a lot of those stresses.  And a lot of the conflicts would not even be present.  But given the current social climate in the United States, which is based very much on religious hysteria, I do not believe that the mood of the United States is going to change anytime soon, regarding any kind of acceptance or kindness or compassion for hardly anyone in the gay community much less people who are transgendered, especially transgendered females.

So again, I am very sorry for any ill feelings anyone might be having from my discussing this matter.  But again, because this is my Journal you, the readers, deserve every bit of honesty regarding every aspect of my life.  But to be done so of course in a tasteful and appropriate manner.

Another resolution I made at the beginning of the year is that I am doing exercises basically semi-aerobic or isometric type exercises such as situps and deep knee bends and bending over to touch my toes and then I am doing certain types of stretches regarding my back muscles.  And I am doing these things not only to increase my metabolism and to make it easier for my right lung to breathe.  But I am also doing it.  Of course to sort of maintain my weight in order to lose weight.  And my weight is not really that much.  I am currently 175 pounds.  And my target is to get back to about 165 pounds down to perhaps 150 pounds.  But part of my necessity to lose weight is not only centered with regard to my transgenderism.  But in actuality all people who have had spinal fusions are told as they get older that they need to try to maintain a weight as close to what is considered, their target weight, as possible.  And the target weight is actually the weight that the individual.  weight when they had their spinal fusion done.

And usually the target weight is not a specific way but actually a window.  And in my case the window is between 150 pounds up to approximately 165 pounds.  So consequently I really do not have to lose about 10 pounds to be back within that window.

And so consequently, when I am writing my Journal articles, there are a number of psychological dynamics going on as I am trying to compose articles regarding human rights and religious hysteria and political corruption.  And of course what I am writing about conservativism.  But because I am a very skilled writer, I specifically designed my articles regarding news stories pursuant to religious hysteria, political corruption and conservativism, to be as I have said before, as confrontational as I can possibly make them.  And it is because I want the really good Catholics and Christians and the moderate or extremely broad-minded thinking Republicans who are not extremists.  And have all sorts of hatred as so many of the Republicans do; to ask themselves better questions.  And to encourage them to speak out because of what is going on in their own religions and the political parties they belong to.

And it is not a very enjoyable job.  But it is one that I believe is important.  And I certainly do not think that my Journal is so important that what I write is going to have any major effect on life here on earth.  But what I do believe is that some of the people who read my Journal will in fact take away from what they are reading certain aspects of what I am writing and they will talk about it with their friends or family or people interact with.  And as those discussions take place there is the potentiality, however small or slight, that as a result of those conversations that at some point people will begin to ask some of these more difficult questions of themselves and each other.

And that is my hope with these news articles.  But as I said before, because of the level of conservativism going on in the world today, along with the tremendous hatred that the conservatives not only in the United States but around the world have for everyone else other than themselves.  Doing these articles regarding conservativism and religious hysteria and political corruption become tremendously psychologically draining and extremely strenuous.  So that is another reason why I do not have more consistency with doing the articles.  Just to everyone is aware.

Now, as to my transgenderism once again, what is rather incredible, is that nobody ever, no matter where I am ever believes I am 61 years old.  They are amazed when I tell them my age.  My response usually is that it is because of the hard living, I did when I was a kid.  And then everyone laughs.  But the reality is that one of the reasons I am able to maintain somewhat of a youthful appearance, is because, for one, I basically hardly eat meat at all.  I am basically a vegetarian.  But in addition to that, I usually drink between eight and 10 glasses of water per day.  And the one thing I never scrimp on.  Meaning the one thing I do not buy any kind of discounted brands of our anything regarding my transgenderism.  Such as close items or the different products that are necessary to maintain myself such as my makeup and shampoo and things of that nature.

The other thing is that I need very little.  I.e. perhaps once or twice a day if that.  I do not drink caffeinated coffee.  I hardly ever drink anyhow, all at all.  The only time I have any alcohol is when my brother-in-law Claude comes over for a visit and then I will have perhaps one or two beers.  I also drink a lot of herbal tea.  I take vitamins.  I exercise every day.  And I never push myself to the point of exhaustion.  Unless of course I get wrapped up in something like rebuilding my computer.

I mean, there are a number of ways for men and women to maintain a more youthful appearance without having to go to extremes are using lots of products or medical services to do so.  One of the best ways to maintain healthy skin is to drink lots of water.  And that is because most of what we eat regardless of whether you are a vegetarian or a mediator, ends up being a kind of water-soluble fact in the body.  So if you drink between eight and 10 glasses of water a day over a period of 10 days.  You can actually lose up to about four or 5 pounds of body fat.  In addition, drinking water flushes out a tremendous amount of the impurities that are inside the body.  Also, you can drink tea, which I do at least two or three times a day.  And drinking tea has a tremendous amount of antioxidants in the tea.  And as a result that also gets rid of a lot of the toxins that collected the body from the different foods that you eat.

So I am explaining a lot of these things so that which you have learned about me conceptually and potentially intellectual way, can be augmented to a certain degree with what I am really like.  And again, by explaining some of these things.  I know that what I am writing will be useful to one person or another for any one of a number of different reasons.

And of course, getting back to my news articles, because I am sort of going back and forth between these two issues in this article.  What I am writing my news articles.  Course I am testing into not only the purpose of the news article, which is to be as divisive and as evocative as I possibly can pursuant to asking better questions.  But I am also keying into a lot of emotional baggage or a lot of emotional memories that I have in my life of some of the extremely difficult situations.  I have encountered in the 61 years I have lived.  And so consequently I become quite passionate about protecting children and women and men who are all being tortured or murdered or abused.

And then given my scientific background in addition to my financial background, I almost always take the philosophical point of view of how really meticulous it is for humanity to be so preoccupied with the conflict, or the conflicts that humanity engages in when in reality humanity is probably nothing more than a speck of dust compared to all of the many forms of life that exists in the universe.  And by life.  I am not talking strictly about something that we as humans might recognize.  There are a number of forms of life in the universe, many of which exist far beyond what most humans, including myself and possibly even imagine, let alone be able to articulate or extrapolate.

So in any event, my schedule for the next several weeks I would say is to try to clear the pending comments in my Journal on a daily basis.  And to try to do at least one or two news Journal articles every day.  And then to try to do a personal news article at least once a day.  But of course a lot of times when I see a news article I will do one of two things.  If the creative energy inside of me brings me to a point of inspiration where I can actually write or articulate my views regarding the news article at that time I will either doing news article right that moment.  Or I will hold it in my mind for perhaps one or two hours and then doing news article then.  At other times, when I see a news article I might take one or two days or even a week before I actually get close to writing about that particular item.  Like what happened with the soldiers urinating on the body that they were basically desecrating in Afghanistan.  It took me over a week to be able to formulate my thoughts to the point where the creative energies inside of me found the inspiration I needed to be able to write effectively about that particular subject.

And I am sure that a number of people who are reading this article when they are reading.  Parts of this article regarding my transgenderism will as I said, consider me just nothing but full of bull ship.  Or they will laugh at me because they think, joke.  But there will also be others who will totally and completely understand everything I am talking about exactly what I mean.

It is just important that everyone understand that I am not trying to offend anyone.  I am simply trying to be honest.  I mean if I knew for a fact that most of my readership were people of the gay community or the transgendered community I probably would have a much easier time talking about a lot of the dynamics regarding my transgenderism.  But I do not know that.  So I am trying to be as delicate and as careful as I possibly can, regarding what I am writing about.  So that I do not offend anyone or at least offend people the least.

So that is basically about what I wanted to say, at least at this time.  And with these neighbors who are very dear friends of mine moving back into the house.  I very well may not have as much time as I would like during the day to do as much with my Journal as I otherwise might have.  But be assured I will in fact get to everything.  And I also want some of these people who have been waiting for me to get back to them about some of the promises I made to know that I intend to address all of the promises.  I have them all on this desktop calendar I use.

But again, because of the sin of issues dealing with Aileen.  I am not able to move as quickly psychologically sometimes as I would like to.  And I also mean emotionally.  Some days are just easier than others.  I was never prepared for what I am going through regarding losing this wonderful lady this beautiful and absolutely amazing soul.  And in point of fact, with all of the scientific knowledge.  I have accumulated and that I have the ability to research online.  I still tremendously solid about stating that I actually feel Aileen in the house.  And people come into the house also feel her presence.  And that of course is an entirely extra dynamic to everything am going through.

So if I have succeeded in alienating lots of you or offending lots of you please understand that I am sincerely sorry.  Under no circumstances am I doing this article with the intention of offending anyone.  That is not my intention absolutely.  It is not.  And if anyone thinks that this is easy for me to talk about than they are extremely mistaken.  Because there are a few of my friends, mostly.  Who do not live in Cleveland who had been urging me to talk about exactly what I am discussing right now for the last several months.  I always would laugh and say that I am a Capricorn.  So naturally I move slow.  So talking about this is been very difficult because I have a lot of insecurity.  Because I feel that talking about this ongoing to do is start offending everyone.  And that is not what I wanted to do but I also feel that if I do not talk about it then.  I am not being as candid with this Journal or with God or keeping my promise to Aileen as sincerely as I told her I would do.  And I also feel that I am not being as candid as I need to be you should be with any of you.  But it is extremely difficult to talk about.  Because I just do not know if many of you are going to understand or have a lot of, you are just going to get very offended.  Or you a lot of you are just not going to be able to relate to anything I am trying to explain.  Of course the other side of it is that at age 61 is not what they care about or.  So if I offend someone at age 61.  There is part of me does not really care because I figure there is no point in worrying about it because in all likelihood at my age I could drop dead tomorrow.

In any event, it is now going on 6 PM.  And my cats are all hovering here in the den.  Meaning they are expecting for me to give them a can of cat food and generally if I do not do that they started acting very badly.  And I do not mean they start packing sidearms.  I mean they start meowing and basically demanding.  So either I get a mechanic cat food or I will have a harder time dictating.  Because they will form a chorus of meowing.

So tomorrow I have on my agenda to absolutely clear the pending comments or to clear as much is possible.  And try to do at least one news article.  But again, for some reason and I am not sure why.  But this time of the year is causing me to have a few more nightmares then I usually have.  Although, for the last 24 hours.  I have felt more positive than I did a few days ago.  So that is at least something.

If any of you have any doubts as to how much I really love all of you.  Just remember how hard it was for me to write this Journal are.  Because you did not certify that it has been very difficult to do so.  But I really feel.  I owe all of you this explanation, and this Journal article.

Thank you very much for listening.  And most assuredly, I will probably write later.

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