A few people have said to me that the second-year after losing someone as dear is Aileen was to me is harder.  Meaning that the second-year after the loss is harder than the first.  I have to say they are probably right.  In point of fact, I lost three of my own children.  But I had never really talk about it.  But that was one of the common denominator is that Aileen and I had with each other.  We had both lost three children.  Her as the biological females who bore those children.  And me as I would suppose a transgendered female who loved those children of mine.  But the loss of a child for some reason at least with me.  Resonates much differently than the loss of my darling Aileen.

 

There is part of me that wants to just push myself and shrugged where I simply say, get over it.  And yet there is the other part of me, that other part of me that is totally unable to put into words some of the feelings and the emotions that I am having.  It is just too difficult.

So while I am committed so deeply to this Journal.  I am working on for my darling Aileen.  There are sections of the calendar year.  Like right now.  When I just am almost overwhelmed with so much emotion that I can barely describe what it is like.  I am sure that there are those who have lost someone such as a spouse or partner who they loved as much is I love my darling Aileen, who probably know to some extent what I am going through and how I feel and I am hoping there are others who maybe have not lost anyone but still can at least understand to some extent how I feel or perhaps what I am going through.

There was a time in the 1980s when I lived in Denver, where I actually had the opportunity to begin to live as a transgendered female.  And to a great extent of the time I did.  But now is of course much different.  It is like with all of the arguments and all of the negative things I have to write about.  As a human rights advocate that when I stopped for a moment I realize how very kind, the world is really being to me.  Because it is like after all the years of struggling I am being given a chance to at least have these final years of my life where I can live how I want.

And that most certainly helps.  It helps a great deal.  It is just that this time of the calendar year for some reason life is just a bit more strenuous emotionally.

And when life begins to move like it is right now.  My tendency is to want to slow down.  To not want to rush.  To simply slow down and give myself time to rest.  I am sorry I am not doing more Journal articles.  And I will get back to doing them.  I just need a little bit of time.  Just a small bit of time.

I am having another migraine which I get a lot of times it is mostly when she is the barometric pressure changes or there is a lot of precipitation.  So I will move forward.  Because that is what I do.  But right now for some reason I just need to move more slowly.  My neighbors are going to move in after all.  And that will be truly a comfort.  But I am a little bit tired.  And this migraine is rather severe.  So I will write later.  I promise.  But right now I just need to move more slowly.  I just need to take a rest.  I guess it is part of admitting that I am no longer in my 30s or in my 40s but that I am actually 61.

So I will undoubtedly write later.  I really do appreciate all of you who read my Journal so very much.  I know I probably am not doing a very good job about responding to a lot of your comments.  And I am sorry.  I really am trying as hard as I can.

Thanks so much for listening.

Advertisement