It is important that people understand the nature of my previous Journal entry.  This is because I know almost with absolute certainty that most people who read this Journal entry will misunderstand that Journal entry.

In 1989 I had a massive nervous breakdown.  According to the doctors who were actually the best experts at the time my nervous breakdown occurred as a result of two basic factors.  On the one hand my nervous breakdown and took place as a result of not only the 8 1/2 months.  I was on my back in the hospital in 1968 and everything that took place.  But my nervous breakdown also occurred as a result of my having to deal with extremely significant physical pain throughout my spine and upper body which I had been dealing with ever since 1968.

 

And when the breakdown happened.  I basically ended up with having a different mental illnesses at the same time.  In the first few years after my breakdown.  I was having suicidal thoughts about every two hours.  But at the same time it was discovered that I had a hysterical fear of death.  So the doctors concluded that while I was having suicidal thoughts every few hours that because of, at the time, my hysterical fear of death.  I was probably never going to be able to initiate any actual movement toward taking my own life.  And in the opinion of one of the doctors who was consulted on my case they considered this particular element of my nervous breakdown to be one of the toughest aspects of what happened when I had my nervous breakdown.  Because I was being plagued with extremely significant suicidal thoughts but was never able to move beyond simply being plagued with those suicidal thoughts because of my hysterical fear of death.

When I met Aileen in 1993 and a new Dr., Dr. Howard Gottesman, of MetroHealth medical Center in Cleveland was assigned to my case my approximately 1994 with the help of Dr. Gottesman and most definitely as a result of my love for and my marriage with Aileen, the level of suicidal thoughts I was having decreased to basically having perhaps suicidal thoughts about three or four times a day rather than every few hours.  Aileen totally and completely understood this aspect of me.  And she accepted it as part of the internal struggle that my personality goes through as a result of the nervous breakdown.

And so Aileen was actually one of the major catalytic elements that gave me the impetus to want to keep going.  And of course when she died the level of suicidal thoughts did not go back to increasing but they also did not diminish any further.  And so last night when I wrote the Journal entry, the time was; for context, it was in the middle of the night and I had just woken up from having a series of nightmares which I cannot remember.  And so it is important for the reader to understand that Journal entries like the previous one which showed this extremely dark part of my personality is something that I have had to live with at the very least since 1989.  Although, with Dr. Gottesman’s help, and Aileen’s help, it was discovered that I actually did try to take my own life when I was four years old as a result of the abuse I was receiving physically and emotionally from my mother.

Initially in 1989, just after the nervous breakdown occurred when I would attempt to sleep.  I was having massive nightmares.  To the extent that for every four hours, I was asleep I was having over 40 extreme nightmares almost all of the exact same type.  And initially, the nightmares were so severe that when I finally met Aileen in 1993 for the first 18 months of the time we knew each other and were married, Aileen literally would have to wrap her body

around mine in order to prevent my body while I was having any of these nightmares from throwing itself onto the floor or against the wall which was next to our bed.  And of course those body movements were completely unconscious.

The only way that those nightmares were ever decreased for reduced in number was because of a very significant technique that I was taught.  The nightmares always are about me falling to my death either off of something extremely high like a bridge or a building.  Or falling out of something like a plane.  And so I was basically taught to focus on one word in the midst of these nightmares.  And that one word.  What is freight train.  And the reason for that was because I was taught that if I could focus on that one concept, freight train, in the midst of my nightmares, that my mind would then begin to see myself as being on a slow-moving freight train where I could simply roll off the freight train onto the ground which would eliminate the constant falling nightmares.  And as I said, this technique was actually taught to me and I was trained in using this technique in 1991, which was, of course, two years before I met Aileen.  But it took me from 1991 until 1994 before I was actually able to reduce the falling nightmares.  To the extent where I was able to have any kind of semi-normal sleep.

So it took a number of years to break the cycle of these terrible falling nightmares where I was constantly falling to my desk, using the concept freight train, before I was actually even able just to break the cycle of the nightmares.  And so consequently as time passed Aileen became far more significant and important to me beyond the unbelievably and unlimited and unconditional love.  I had for Aileen and I still have for her.  And again as time passed, the nightmares began to decrease even further.  But that was because not only of how significant my love for Aileen was and how powerful that love was able to allow Aileen to be so assistive in reducing is nightmares.  But also because Aileen became literally the reason I would feel like there was any reason to keep going when I would wake up in the morning.  So I always had a habit when I would wake up during the time we basically slept together of reaching over before I would open my eyes and I would simply touch her leg and once I did that I felt inside myself that there was a reason to keep going.

So basically by the time that my own physical arthritic condition had progressed to a point where Aileen and I were no longer able to sleep together Aileen was for me.  Still, the reason I would always find every morning to keep going.  One of the hardest aspects of living without her after she died has been my tremendous difficulty of trying to understand and to even possess a reason to want to keep on living.  And it is not that the level of suicidal thoughts is increasing.  But they are not decreasing either.  So last night I wrote that Journal entry, the time was, after I have had an unconscious nightmare that I am now understanding must have been so significant that that Journal entry was the byproduct of what I talked about and put into a Journal entry when I woke up from that nightmare which I of course cannot remember.

So it is not really that I have those kinds of thoughts all the time but I have those kinds of thoughts a lot of the time.  And even though it is over a year since my darling wife Aileen died I am still having a tremendous amount of difficulty trying to find any real meaningful reason why I should want to continue on living.  I know in my mind that the tremendous number of wonderful people who are reading my Journal is definitely a reason to want to keep going.  At the same time Aileen is no longer here.  So when I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night having those nightmares there was no one present that gives me the feeling of why I should want to continue.

And as I said while I do not have those kinds of extremely dark thoughts all the time.  I do have those terribly dark thoughts a lot of the time.  It is just a part of how my personality struggles.  There is nothing more I can really say that would explain any further.  So of course I am sure that a lot of people who are going to read that previous Journal entry, the time was, will definitely misunderstand tremendously that Journal entry.  Many people will simply think that I am playing an act or a game.  But it is truly no game.  I am writing this Journal entry right now at 2:43 AM, and I do not really have any detailed memory of even writing the Journal entry that I wrote last night.  Although I do remember writing a journal entry.  But I actually had to go back and read what I wrote because I basically do not have any memory of doing it.  And that is a part of one of the effects of my nervous breakdown.

I do not ever do anything in my life and never have either before my nervous breakdown or since where I am seeking from anyone, either their sympathy or their empathy or anything else.  Because I am not like that.  Having someone’s sympathy is not going to reduce the level of physical or emotional pain I deal with all the time.  So it is silly and extremely illogical for me to look for any kind of sympathy or empathy from anyone because if someone understands or has empathy for what I am going through or sympathy for what I am going through that will never decrease any of what I am going through.  It is just that they will feel those feelings.  But with them feeling those feelings that does not do anything to resolve what I am doing with.  So it is nice that perhaps they feel those things but the fact that they feel those things does not resolve any of what I am doing with all the time.  So it is just completely illogical in every stretch of the word for me to ever be looking for any kind of sympathy or empathy from anyone.  And so I do not.

But at the same time I am not going to be dishonest with myself just like I am not going to be dishonest in this Journal.  So on the one hand, I could take down the previous Journal entry, the time was.  Or, on the other hand, I could allow it to simply be a part of my Journal.  And that is what I have decided to do.  One of the major benefits of Journal entries such as the previous one is that anyone who might be harboring any kind of hatred for me will certainly understand that I do not really give a damn.  In any way about their hatred.  And in point of fact, I am not afraid under any circumstances of anyone who might have hatred for me acting out on that hatred.  Because by comparison their hatred is miniscule and totally insignificant it has absolutely no relevance within my entire life as compared to the nightmares I deal with and the internal struggle that my personality goes through.  So the reality is that no matter how many people might have hatred for me your might misunderstand me they are in my mind and in my life truly and totally and completely insignificant in every possible meaning of that word.  They basically have no meaning to me whatsoever.

And not because I harbor any ill feelings toward anyone because I do not.  The reason why people’s hatred of me these days does not really have any relevancy is because with all that I have gone through in my life and now having lost Aileen no matter how much someone might have hatred for me what they and many others will never realize is that in many ways.  I have more hatred for myself than anyone could possibly have hatred for me.

And again that is another struggle I have to go through.  And I am not writing this Journal entry seeking anyone’s sympathy for their empathy.  Because it does not matter if anyone empathizes with what I am going through or sympathizes with what I am going through.  Because even if someone does that does not diminish or decrease what I am going through.  It does not take away the pain.  It does not decrease the internal nightmares.  So if someone does sympathize or empathize with what I am going through.  I am always very grateful.  And I am very polite and cordial and always say thank you.  But inside of myself I totally and completely understand that regardless of what anyone might feel toward me or what I am going through will never have any effect whatsoever on what I am going through.

And always why have a severe set of nightmares or a nightmare that is extremely turbulent such as what I believe.  I experienced last night when I wrote the previous Journal entry; I am always extremely tired when I wake up.  And that should explain why sometimes I have a difficult time writing Journal entries.  Because I become psychologically and emotionally so tired that it is just hard for me to think very clearly.  And in point of fact, I am still extremely tired right now.

So one of the techniques that I have been taught not only by Dr. Gottesman, but by others, is that when I have this level of extreme fatigue what I need to do is simply slow down.  So I probably will write some Journal entries later this morning or later today.  This afternoon.  But for the next few hours.  I just need to.  But of course slowing down while it will give me a chance to rest does not really provide any kind of help as to my trying to find a reason to want to keep on living.

So I am going to close this Journal entry and try to do just that.

I will be back later for sure.

Thanks very much for listening.

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