I must be showing my age. My hand that I use my mouse with is finally starting to have issues using the mouse. So I believe I am going to have to start using my Dragon NaturallySpeaking program pretty much most of the time instead of simply for dictation. Not a big deal.
But I wanted also to explain something that just came to light as a result of an e-mail message I received earlier this evening. It is come to my attention that on blogger.com, the blog service that is sponsored by Google, that there is a blog that I was keeping prior to Aileen getting sick. This was shortly after we got married. Eileen and I were legally married in 2000. We were hand fasted, in the Wiccan tradition in 1994 just about eight months after we met. But we were legally married in 2000, which was just four years after my mother died in 1996. Because when my mother died in 1996 Aileen and I both felt that it was important that I be on the deed of the house and that we be legally married in the court records so that should anything happen to either one of us that the survivor would in fact be protected.
In this older Journal on blogger, there is nothing in there that is embarrassing in any way. However, as I have said repeatedly in a lot of what I have written there have been a number of times with this ongoing struggle. I have had within myself regarding my transgender is him where, as a result of the very narrow minded thinking of people in the United States in various places I was compelled to hide my transgender is him and to live as a male.
And of course all my life I have struggled. Back and forth with either living as what was comfortable for me which is a transgendered female. Or to cave into the pressures applied on me and against me by the people where I was living to present myself in ways that would be less confrontational or less misunderstood. And of course, doing that throughout my life caused even more conflict.
So when anyone sees pictures of me as a male. It is important that they understand that in reality I actually was born with a number of characteristics that are female. But biologically I was in fact born as a male. But because, as it was discovered shortly after Aileen and I were married, that I actually am a symbiotic twin survivor. Which means that when my mother was carrying me before she died, that she was actually carrying twins. And my twin was a girl.
And according to what Aileen and I were able to discover, my twin sister was actually absorbed into me approximately 90 min. before I was born. As a matter of fact, there are still pieces of her or more specifically the remnants of aspects of her that are still in my navel. But more to the point, because I am a symbiotic twin survivor. This is one of the reasons I have had breasts since I was 12 years old. It is also one of the reasons I do not have an Adam’s apple. And it is also one of the reasons that until I got a form of melanoma throat cancer in 1969, just after my operation for my being a hunchback, that my voice was actually rather high. And quite feminine.
So in reality I have always been throughout my life a kind of mixed bag. And I guess because of the abuse I suffered when I was a child and the abuse I endured throughout my life. Socially I have always taken the position of being overly or rather greatly aware of other people’s sensitivities. And so consequently I lived most of my life very privately.
When I was running the four different companies. I owned at four different times, and when I was co-owner with my father in our business which was Pioneer linen supply company. Prior to 1975, which we owned together for 25 years; I of course My transgender is him extremely and very carefully hidden. So consequently, most the people who met me in my earlier years had no idea of the rather significant struggles it was always going on inside of me.
And again, there is part of me at age 61. That feels that living as a transgendered female is probably the absolutely worst idea. At the same time, about one week before Aileen died. She and I talked about my transgender is him. And she basically admonished me in a very loving way and said that she did not want me to get to where she was and not have this issue within myself unresolved. So she made me promise her that I would go back to living as a transgendered female. She wanted me to, at some point in my life, finally be able to accept myself for this feminine personality within myself that the world has a tremendous amount of hatred for.
The conservative mentality in the United States is one that is extremely homophobic and racist and bigoted and prejudiced and full of nothing but hatred. The articles I have shown in my Journal clearly substantiate this. My reaction to their homophobia and the racism is one where I generally feel sorry for the conservatives. Because I feel sorry for their lack of intelligence. And their lack of ability to expand their consciousness and their lack of ability to be able to grow within themselves.
. But I am not going to change the conservative mentality. They do not want to change. In the mind of the conservatives regardless what country they exist in, their answer to everything is that they do not like what they do not understand than what they do not understand and do not like should be destroyed. We see it every day in countries all over the world. People who are different or people who have any degree of peculiarity are generally treated with tremendous amounts of disrespect and hatred and contempt.
Just like the soldiers in Afghanistan who were defiling the body of that individual. They murdered. So the soldiers who were obviously having some degree of conservative mentality whereby they felt that it was a good idea to desecrate the body of someone they had just killed. And that is a very clear example of the tremendous hatred that the conservative mentality in the United States has.
When I was growing up in a Republican household being Republican was not a dirty word. Being Republican actually meant basically taking the side of the government vs. taking the side of the states. But since the time I was growing up the Republican mentality has changed into one that takes pride in how much hatred they have and takes pride in basically telling God and telling the entire world that the Christian conservatives or the conservative mentality is one that makes God in their own image and makes the world in their own image and anything that exists outside of what they do not already know or except should not exist.
So there have been several times in my life when my life has been threatened and actually where I was at the point of life or death purely because of my being Jewish or because of my transgender is him. And there is still a bullet hole in the front window of this house, my home. The house that Aileen and I tried with all of our efforts to maintain. So consequently, it is not that I ever lived in fear. But I have always been a very private person. Because I realize that there is no point in my being around a great number of people when most of the people in the world pretty much have nothing but hatred for people who are transgendered females.
In the American culture. It is perfectly permissible for a woman to put on a pair of slacks and to take on the male gender in order to get a better salary at work. But the moment that a man puts on a skirt and takes on the female gender. It is like the first people to demonstrate hatred for that man. I the women. Because the women feel that they should be separate and have more equal rights than anyone else. That women should be allowed to be able to change their gender. Whenever they want. But they do not want men to have the same right. And so whenever a man takes on the female gender and lives as a transgendered female the world has much more hatred for that man then they do for a woman who acts like a man.
And because I realized many many years ago that trying to change that kind of thinking was virtually impossible. And because I am truly not a confrontational person; I always chose to simply live a very cloistered and. Private life. It just always made more sense.
I gave up wanting anything from the world a long time ago. When I was growing up I had all sorts of hopes and aspirations that not only would my companies succeed. But that I would in fact find a place in America where I would be free to express my personality the way that I wanted to instead of always having to live with this internal struggle between having to present myself as a male when in fact almost every aspect of everything inside of me is female. But in the United States biological females have a hard enough time as it is being allowed to demonstrate their femininity. Because the American culture does not want women to act like females except at certain times. So consequently women throughout the United States have a very difficult time getting in touch with their own femininity. Because they are only allowed to even acknowledge their own femininity at only specific times. There are rules and requirements everywhere that make a woman getting in touch with her internal femininity extremely difficult.
And as difficult as it is for a woman to get in touch with her femininity. It is probably three times more difficult for transgendered female such as myself to get in touch with their femininity. Because not only is a transgendered female confronted with all of the difficulty that biological females are confronted with with regard to getting in touch with their femininity. But a transgendered female biased also deal with the tremendous amount of hatred and rejection and verbal assaults and insults that come after them from biological females who absolutely hate anyone who is a male who dares to want to have the same right to change their gender as females have that right. And that is only one aspect of the insulting behavior the transgendered females are confronted with.
The other aspect is even more ugly. Because the conservative mentality in the United States, which is hugely supported by the Republican Party and the Christian conservatives and a great many in the Catholic religion is that it is okay for a woman to change her gender and become a man. Because it is a man’s world. But how dare any man ever want to become a woman. Because in fact if they do the conservative mentality will make their life a living hell. And personally for me, they have succeeded a number of times.
So it is 61 a I do not really expect anything from the world anymore. Nor do I want anything. There is no point in wanting anything from the world. Humanity at this point in humanity’s evolution has become extremely selfish. Back in the 50s and 60s being a Republican literally meant taking up the cause for the government and putting more value on the government then on states rights. But being a Republican has mutated into something very ugly. Because now Republicans are no longer concerned with taking up for the government vs. states rights. Because now Republicans are much more concerned with demonstrating their hatred and the racism and their bigotry and their contempt and their absolute repulsion against anything they do not like. And so the Republican party takes pride in how racist and bigoted they are just like they take pride in how homophobic they are because the Republican Party wants to go down in history as being known as the party who lives and thrives on the hatred that they promote and that they in fact support. Just like a lot of the Catholics and Christians support the same kind of racism and bigotry and homophobia.
So needless to say, in that kind of extremely backward anthropological environment. There is no point in my wanting anything for myself. So I live behind one-way glass. Because every single window in my home has one-way glass. No one can see in. So no one sees me. And if they cannot see me. Then they tend not act out in hatred against me. Because if they do not see me. I will not offend them. And if I do not offend them, then they have got nothing to complain about. Which is why in my backyard. I have a 7 1/2 foot high fence. It surrounds the backyard. So the one I go outside during the summer I never go out into the front unless it is very early in the morning and then only to cut the front lawn. And I am only out for generally not more than about 20 min. And I am out one nobody can see me. The only other time I ever go out of my home during the summer is to the backyard, which is surrounded with a 7 1/2 foot high fence. Which means no one can see me. And I never make any noise. I never say a word. And the only time I ever leave my house other than that is once a month when I go shopping. And the only place I go is to the gay community of Cleveland. Because I do not ever want to go anywhere where as a result of my going to any place that I will cause negative reactions in others. Whereby I will then give them a chance to demonstrate their hatred for me.
I have had enough hatred in my life. Thank you very much. I do not need anymore. And so consequently, that is why he or at least one of the reasons why it is very easy for me to express how much I love humanity. Because I understand that humanity acts out with the racism and bigotry and prejudice on the hatred and all of the ugliness that humanity takes pride in not because humanity wants to be known in the universe for being full of hatred. But because humanity is so afraid of anything new. Humanity is become terrified of things they do not understand or cannot control. And where when I was younger I might have found it very easy to withstand all of the insults that biological women deliver against me for daring to be a transgendered female. And while I might have found it easier when I was younger to deal with all of the racism in the to get tree in the hatred coming from the Catholics and the Christians and the Republicans. After having lost my darling wife Aileen in November 2010 and being 61 with my disabilities getting more difficult. I do not really have the stamina anymore to put up with all of the hatred and the to get tree in the prejudice and the ugliness that so many humans take pride in.
And so I rarely ever leave my home. Nobody ever sees me. I am extremely careful about that. I never leave the house when there is anyone on the street. And because I have one-way glass. I can make sure that when I leave my home. There is nobody who is going to see me. And so I do my shopping once a month I go out usually very early in the morning when there is nobody around.
But as luck would have it, the people in my neighborhood are extremely kind and very protective of me. The police in my neighborhood are extremely wonderful people. They routinely drive by my house once every couple of days just to make sure I am okay. People in my neighborhood know that I am truly a harmless soul. That I truly do not want anything from anyone. And I do not. I never asked for anything.
And I certainly do not want anyone who is reading this Journal article but feel bad for me. You should not. Aileen and I did everything right. We paid our mortgage payments on time. And I was able to reduce the mortgage so that I can live in this house alone. Granted, I do not get very much money to live on. But then I do not need much. And one-way the other, I will survive. So there is no reason for me to ask for or want anything. So I do not. And I do not want anyone feeling bad for anything that I have gone through in my life because feeling bad is not going to resolve or take away any of the pain I have suffered in my life. Feeling bad for me is not going to suddenly give me the right to feel like I can go anywhere in Cleveland. I want to is a transgendered female. Feeling bad for me is not going to change the minds of millions of women in the United States who have nothing but hatred and contempt and disgust for any man who dares to want to try to be feminine, when they themselves, meaning the women, have the right to be masculine whenever they want. And of course, yes. That is a double standard.
But so what. Our world is filled with so many different standards that people have to live by that. It has read to kill us. It is no surprise to me that we have as many suicides as we do every year in the United States. I actually watched a coworker many years ago take their own life when I was not able to reach them in time. And this event happened after one of the bosses where this gentleman and I were working together came in and berated this gentleman so badly and yelled at him so badly that when the boss left the room. This gentleman was literally shaking. And I asked if he was all right and he nodded and left the office. And then for some reason inside of myself. I got the impression that things were not okay. So for some reason I raced right out of the room that he and I were standing in and I saw him leaving the building. And again. Something inside of me made me feel very dark. So I ran with all of my speed to get to the door where he was leaving and by the time I got to the door I saw him reach inside of his convertible and take a gun and blow his brains out.
It only takes one word to save someone’s life just like it takes only one word to make them kill themselves. And yet the Conservatives take no responsibility for the hatred they promote and support. They take no responsibility for the carnage that is left.
Some no. There is nothing I want from this world. Because this world is not prepared under any circumstances to give men the same right that they want women to have, which is to change their gender. Whenever they want. So I live a very private life. And I never asked anyone for anything. The only time I asked anyone for anything was, why was trying to save the life of my wife, my darling Aileen. Then, I did not mind asking for anyone to help. I literally begged them to help. I begged them in tears, begging them to please help me to try and save her life. And of course I failed. She died. But in reality that is the cycle of life. And as I have said before, regardless of however people might think I am stupid or hysterical. I am not. Because I know inside of my heart and soul that Aileen and I are in contact with each other, as remarkable as that may sound.
So as long as I can pay the bills and eat. Perhaps once a day. I do not ever ask for anything. And even if I were starving, I would not ask anything of anyone. Because there is no point. The matter how difficult my life has been it will never be able to compare it to the terrible tragedy that millions of brilliant men women and children in every nation in this world are suffering every single second. So I do not want anyone to think that I am complaining because I am not. I am just stating fact.
Consequently I have very few friends. And the people who are close to me all relate to me as a female. They do not care that my voice sounds like Ernest Borgnine. Because they know that in so many ways throughout everything that I have ever been in my entire life that I am far more female than male. They know that. Is. I never asked them to treat me that way. They just did that on their own because they could see inside of me and know very clearly what I truly am. Just like Aileen could always do that.
So there are probably a host of pictures of me on the Internet in so many different personas. And so I am told, when I fix myself up. I actually have women in the gay community and some of the women in the neighborhood where I live who tell me now and again that, at least in their mind, I look better than most of the women they have ever known. And of course I know this is true. When I go out I pass perfectly. Meaning nobody can never really tell the I am not biologically a female. And when I am out. I do everything I can not to draw attention to myself in any way. I tried to always be as invisible as possible.
With my left leg being partially crippled and now being 61 years old. Sometimes being invisible is not as easy as I would like. But I still do it. And no one ever guesses my age. No one ever has. People look at me and believe that I am not more than perhaps 50 years old. They are completely astonished when I tell them I am 61. And when someone asked me how I was able to maintain my youthful appearance, I laugh, and tell them it was all the hard living, I did as a kid. I tell them was all the sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll except I got cheated out of the sex and all I ever did was listen to the rock ‘n roll because I never liked drugs. And then they laugh. And of course they do not know that inside of myself has lived this long terrible dark struggle I have lived with ever since I was about 12 years old.
But in point of fact, in a matter of a few more years, it probably will not matter. Because within perhaps 12 or 13 years or sooner. I will die. And then none of this will matter anymore. Because I will be with whatever energies there is beyond this world and that permeates the entire universe, that religion calls God. And then I will have to listen to anymore of the insults. I will not have to put up with any more of that dirty looks and the hatred and the bigotry and the racism that so many people in our world love to promote and support. And thank God for that. Because I am really tired. I am very tired of always having to look over my shoulder whenever I go out because I have to live in constant fear that someone is seeing me and is looking at me with hatred. Normally I can pretty much feel when those looks are being directed at me. Normally when someone makes a really insulting remark to me in public. I generally respond in such a way so that within a matter of seconds. They feel like they need to say something nice. And so they do. And when you watch them going through this process of being positioned psychologically where they have to say something nice to me. It is remarkable. Because you are watching them struggle because they do not want to be nice but they realize that if they are not nice that everyone will see them demonstrating their hatred. So they condescend to making a nice remark.
And the only reason I am able to do that is because growing up the way that I did. I had to learn very early how to manipulate words and manipulate the conversation from my own defense. Because I am a pacifist. I have never struck a single human being in my entire life. I have never acted out in anger at anyone. So consequently my only defense when I was confronted with ugliness and others was to manipulate the conversation in such a way so that the people directing their ugliness it me would feel disposed to say something nice rather than to behave in an ugly way. And always they did not like having to demonstrate any kind of considerate behavior. But they did so anyhow. Which of course let them hating me even more.
So again, I state of myself. But I am writing this all down not for my benefit, but for the benefit of millions and millions of men and women and boys and girls in our world who have any form of gender misidentification. Because that is the one thing above all that humans have the most difficulty with. It is like humans do not want to understand that the universe has no rules. And so humans go ahead and make all these rules the people have to follow without ever giving a thought even once that the rules that we make us human beings are basically destroying so many different lives.
Anyhow, I wanted to explain all this. Because when I saw this Journal from an earlier time up on the Internet after it was supposed to have been deleted, I read through the Journal and of course found nothing at all that I should ever be embarrassed was. All the entries are completely consistent with my pacifism and my love of humanity. But the picture that is associated with this Journal is from a time just after my mother died. My weight had increased. I still had facial hair meaning a kind of short stubble. But then, as a Jew I was required in the Jewish tradition to grow a beard and to go to temple every week and saved the Kaddish. That is what Jews do. And even that was very difficult. I have always had to play a role publicly because of the hatred that people found so easy to embrace.
So consequently I am even more gratifying and extremely in love with all of you who read this Journal. Because you are the few who are in the world who respect me and who care about me you are the few who reads my words you are the few who have the courage and the kindness to accept may not only as your brother but as your sister. And for that to my dying breath, I will be so extremely grateful. It is more than I have gotten most of my life. There are a number of reasons why I love all of you. Just like there are a number of reasons why I love everyone who is part of the human condition. But my love for most of the people in the human condition. While just tremendously and unbelievably strong is nowhere near as strong as for the people who actually pay attention to me and who respect me because when someone respects me. They have my undying gratitude and my undying love no matter what. Part of it is because I never got a lot of respect in my life. And that is fine because I never expected to get a lot of respect. So when I do get any real respect. I am just completely humbled with gratitude.
In any event, talking about all of this has been incredibly strenuous psychologically it is a part of me that I do not like to talk about. And yet I know in this Journal. I have repeatedly tried to explain myself and that again is because I always feel like so few people ever really understand. That is one of the things I loved most about my darling Aileen. She always understood. She always understood me. Now hardly anyone does. So I watch old movies. I love watching the Marx Brothers because for some reason, Groucho Marx and my father have almost exactly the same voice. When I was growing up I asked my father about that. I asked him why he sounded so much like Groucho Marx. And because my father had been associated with a lot of the Hollywood people when he was a corporate lawyer for WC Fields, my father basically told me that he sounded a lot like Groucho because he used to play cards with the Marx Brothers all the time.
So a lot of times I will put on one of the Marx Brothers films as I go to sleep. And so as I go to sleep and I am listening to the movie. It is almost like I can feel my father in the room with me. I do not have any pictures of my darling wife Aileen up on the walls. I have over 800 pictures of her in a file on my computer. I have one special pictures it is on my cell phone. I even have about 20 recorded phone conversations with her long before she got sick. I have not been able to listen to any of those conversations yet. It is just too painful. And I am able to look at her picture or any of your pictures but only for a few minutes before I almost become overwhelmed.
So I guess what I am saying is that I am getting extremely tired right now because talking about all of this is been a rather distressing. And it is late it is now 11:21 PM. And because I worked so hard to try to get my system back in shape. I am still pretty much exhausted. It is going to take a few days for me to get my strength back. It is okay. I wanted to get up and running as soon as I could. So I am going to stop for now before I basically pass out. And I am probably going to get something to eat and put on a movie that I have recorded on my DirecTV DVR. I also have all of the thin Man movies and I have movies with Peter Sellers and a host of others. I have about 100 films on my DVR. So before I go to sleep rather than to simply listen to the new age music that I have going. Most of the time. I generally put on one of these funny movies and pull the covers up and close my eyes and leaned back in the chair. And all four of my cats are surrounding me on different chairs and foot stools in the room and I turned out the light and close my eyes.
Just know this more than anything else, please. I did not write any of what I am writing here for any other reason than because I really do, in every aspect of everything I have ever been or ever shall be love all of you with all my heart and on my mind and soul. Please always know that.
Thanks very much for listening.
See Also:
My Significant Journal Entries:
- My Biographical Profile
- Distractions
- My Spinal Injuries
- Now We’re Having Fun, Right?
- My Complete Medical Record Of My Caregiving For Aileen
- Connections
- Finding Neverland
- I Never Want To Stop Crying For My Darling Aileen
- How Do I love thee. The First Anniversary Of Aileen’s Rosebush
- Oh There You Are
- My Philosophy of Life
- Second Gear, My discussion of my Pro-Life, and Pro-Choice Position
- The Time I was hired to photograph and met President-elect Ronald Reagan
- My 250 Million Variable Characteristic Hieroglyphic Language
- My Global Warming Research
- Quantum Mechanics And Newtonian Metaphysics, Originally Dictated On Friday March 19, 2010 (two days before Aileen collapsed and was told she only had 2 months left to live
- Magnitude 2.6 Earthquake In Central California
- Earth Preaching
- When Cancer Meets City Code
- Religion 101
- I Am An Iconoclastic Human Rights Advocate
- The Dark Lord
- Sand On The Floor
- ACLU Court Challenge Religious Restrictions Government Funded Trafficking Victims Program
- Penelope Cruz even looks good in menswear
- An Update On How Mike DeWine Is Trying To Take My Home Away From Me
- The Truth Game
- The Tortoise And The Hare
- A Human Comedy
- Fear: One of Life’s Great Motivators
- Give Me That Old Time Religion
- The Shadow People
- Also To Be Noted
- At Last
- Midnight Madness
- The Miracle of Synchronicity
- A Speck Of Dust On A Dirty Beach
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