Claude came over for a visit yesterday.  And of course, they lied of my last few Journal entries regarding the cost of Aileen’s care that was one of the subjects we talked about.  And that is why I want to make sure that I write down and share in this Journal, as accurately as I can, the choices that Aileen and I were presented with as a result of her being told on March 21, 2010 that she was dying of cancer.

As anyone who was following my Journal articles while Aileen was dying understands, Aileen battled with alcoholism.  Most of the time she and I were married for those unbelievably wonderful 18 years.  And as again anyone who was paying attention.  Also understands it was the very week before she became diagnosed with cancer after Aileen and have a rather strenuous evening of drinking that I said to her while she was lying on the sofa in the living room, that I loved her enough to watch her die, but that she did not have to do that.  And of course at that moment neither Aileen or I knew in any way that a week later she was going to be told that she was dying.  And of course that conversation has played out inside of me like a very terrible nightmare.

Nobody ever wants to hear those words.  Not unless they are terribly fatalistic and do not really care about living.  Nobody wants to hear any doctor other those words which include that single word.  Because everyone knows that as soon as they hear that one single word, that when the Dr. says that to them, every single hope or aspiration they might have, or anything they were ever dreaming of doing in their life.  Suddenly would no longer exist.

But it is extremely important that I share what I am sharing now.  Two of my neighbors and Claude and I talked exactly about this Journal entry last night for over two hours.  And it is funny.  They all reminded me that as a result of my ability to communicate and write the way I do that.  I truly have a responsibility, of all the things I have ever written about, to write about this.

During the month of March 2010, Aileen had been working for this really horrible person in the insurance industry.  A person who actually had a brother with multiple sclerosis.  A person who was supposedly very happily married, while at the same time, this person was basically having a love affair with someone in the office where Aileen was working.  A person who basically looked upon Aileen’s 40 years of insurance experience, and the fact that she was not only a licensed insurance agent, but also a licensed underwriter, and basically did everything they could to mistreat her.  This person.  Aileen was working for.  They simply did everything they could to make Aileen’s life a living hell.  And Claude and Evelyn and I have long since agreed that had conditions been different when Aileen found she was going to die that Claude and Evelyn and I would have literally sued this person and he is stupid insurance company on the grounds of wrongful death.  Because everyone connected with Aileen’s care and Aileen’s cancer is of the same mind.  That this person.  She was working for literally facilitated and hastened her death.

But that is a choice that Avalon and Claude and I decided not to make.  Aileen was involved in that choice.  But she did not want any kind of major retaliation to come back on me.  So she left that choice up to me.  And because of how the medical industry had treated me ever since my operation in 1969, and my father having been a federal attorney.  I had long since learned that when someone sues anyone in the medical industry or sues anyone regarding any medical condition that nobody wins.

So Avalon and Claude and I decided not to sue this ruthless piece of crap bastard that basically facilitated and hastened Aileen’s death.  As a result of how horribly they treated her.  But in point of fact that person will be judged by God.  Because how they treated her was absolutely disgusting.

In the 18 years that Aileen and I were deliriously and happily married as I have explained previously Aileen was fired 12 different times.  And each of those times.  The real reason she was terminated was because of me.  Because I was Jewish or because I was a transgendered female.  Conditions were so difficult for Aileen that I even worked out with AT&T who was and is my Internet service provider, a special e-mail address that was totally and completely so discreet that no one could ever discover if I were to write Aileen at work.  The people at AT&T were tremendously supportive.  They felt it was absolutely disgusting and terrible that Aileen had to hide my identity in her public life.  Because of the racism and prejudice that so many businesses in Cleveland had for me.

And during those 18 years.  It was very seldom or rare when Aileen was ever able to have any kind of medical insurance in any way.  So consequently on that account, and in addition to the fact that Aileen had been raised Christian scientist, Aileen did not have very much faith in the medical community.  But even though Aileen had been raised Christian scientist, as I have said previously, she converted and became Wiccan long before I ever met her.  Still and all, she basically work for living with no medical benefits and no health insurance.  And this was something that literally scared her to death.  She was always terrified of becoming sick with some major disease or needing medical care and not having any insurance to help her to get the medical care she might need.  And always, I would explained that it would not matter.  That it did not matter.  That no matter what would ever happen, I would make sure that she would always be protected.  I used to tell her that it did not matter a damn, that her own industry really did not care about her.  Because I always told her that I cared about her.

During the first week of March 2010, Aileen had been suffering with a rather significant swelling in her legs for the last six or seven months.  Aileen always believed that the swelling in her legs was as a result of an incident that took place many years ago.  An incident where she was actually out in the backyard, before she and I have met, where she was tending her roses.  And because of the neighborhood and the ways that our backyard was at that time, Aileen ended up having to clean out the rose bed.  Because it was literally covered with thousands and thousands of shards of glass.  And Aileen always believed that one of the reasons she would always pick at her legs was because she believed that some of those shards of glass had actually gotten into her legs.

Of course, after we met in 1993 and fell deliriously in love with each other, it did not take me long to know that she really did not have any shards of glass in her legs.  But at that time I had no idea what was wrong.  However, at the beginning of March 2010, Aileen began to complain of stomach problems.  And her employer was basically relentless.  They did not give a damn how sick Aileen was.  And they paid her a good bit below minimum wage.  And basically treated her like she was crap.  So not only was Aileen battling alcoholism as a result of the fact that she had been raped brutally three times in her life.  And not only was she battling alcoholism because she had lost all three of her children, with one of them dying right in her arms.  But she was also battling alcoholism because she was working in an industry as an insurance agent that, as a result of Aileen being so absolutely honest, most of her employers who were engaged in various illegal activities, pretty much hated Aileen because she was so honest.

So in reality, during the 18 years we were married, I was the one who often had to run the household.  And in March 2010, during the first part of March Aileen continue to experience very severe stomach problems.  There were many times before March 2010 when I literally pleaded with Aileen.  Even to the point of tears, begging her to please let me take her to the hospital so that she could be evaluated.  Her complaint was always the same.  That when she had gone to the hospital before which was a few years before March of 2010, that the people of the hospital were not even able to discover anything of what was really wrong with her.  And as a result of going to the hospital that one time to be evaluated a few years before, the medical bill that we got from that time going to the hospital, was over $950.

Aileen was incensed about this.  I of course was not pleased.  But at the same time, with my grandfather’s brother having been the director of medicine at mount Sinai Hospital.  And in addition my having had to live with my spinal fusion and other medical issues.  All my life, I never looked at the $950 like it was money that was poorly spent.  But Aileen never felt that way.  She hated the fact that the medical industry, in her words, had the audacity to charge her almost $1000 when they never found a single thing that was wrong with her.  And when they were not able to help her in any way.

So during March of 2010, Aileen’s condition began to deteriorate.  And on 19 March 2010, Aileen was complaining early in the day when her employer sent her home from work.  Because she became violently ill.  When Aileen got home I discovered that Aileen’s stool was almost completely black.  So Aileen of course went to bed.

In actuality, two or three days before, Aileen’s stool was turning black.  And again I pleaded with her to please let me take her to the hospital so she could be evaluated.  And again, Aileen wanted no part of that no matter what.  She would not even allow me to call her sister or brother and let them know that everything was going wrong.  So I tried various stomach remedies.  None of them worked.  And Aileen was in extreme pain and could barely move out of bed.  And then on March 19 she became so violently ill that she could barely talk at all.  And literally stated under the covers.

I remember I was beginning to become extremely scared.  And then, at approximately 1:30 AM on March 20, while I was downstairs working on my computer, I began hearing yelling and screaming going on upstairs.  Of course there was no one else in the house except for Aileen.  Aileen and myself.  So as I ran upstairs I found Aileen in a sleep shirt running back and forth in one room upstairs and she was bleeding from every single part of her body.  She was bleeding from her eyes and her ears and her nose and her mouth.  She was bleeding below from everywhere.  I rushed to try to grab her to hold her and she immediately ran away from me and ran into the closet in that one room.  And before I could get to the closet.  I heard Aileen in the closet yelling almost at the top of your voice about how she wanted her sister, Evelyn to get out of the bathroom.  And so as I approached closet Aileen bolted from the closet into the bathroom off of that one room.  There was blood everywhere.  Blood was on the walls and on the floor and everywhere.

Rushing into the bathroom I saw Aileen cowering by the toilet squatting on the floor her face had changed in color to almost a kind of yellowish green.  I had one of our cordless phones in my hand.  And all I said was, Aileen, talk to me now or I have to call the police.  Please, Aileen talk to me now or I have to call the police.  She did not even recognize me.  But when I said those words.  She seemed to grip her teeth.  And then I could see tears streaming from her eyes.

So I immediately called 911 and explained the situation and put the phone on speaker phone and then hung the phone around a chain I was wearing around my neck.  The 911 emergency people told me not to get off the phone.  And I had to go over and I literally lifted up Aileen into my arms while she did not even know who I was and I carried her from the bathroom into the bedroom upstairs, which was at the front of the house.  To this day.  I do not really know how I was able to pick her up.  Because Aileen’s weight was have a.  But somehow I did.

So when the emergency team got there.  Aileen still was totally and completely incoherent.  But for some reason, as I lead the emergency team upstairs Aileen suddenly called out and yelled that she was not going anywhere.  And to this very day.  I am just so unbelievably amazed at how kind.  This one EMS technician was.  They of course took medical measurements.  And then this one gentleman simply looked at Aileen and told her that she had to understand that she was truly surrounded by so much love.  But that he was not allowed to leave without taking her with him.

By this time I was so terrified that to this very day.  I cannot really even describe the level of my fear.  It took the EMS team over an hour to be able to stabilize Aileen on enough in the EMS van while it was parked in front of our house before they could even transport her to the hospital.  So all during that time I sat in the front of the EMS vehicle looking over my shoulder as they worked on my darling wife and again there is no way I can put into words how terrified I was.

But finally getting her to the hospital at MetroHealth medical center things got a lot worse.  Aileen was in the emergency room for three solid hours.  And I was for the first 20 min. when she got there pacing back and forth.  Of course in the waiting room.  But after she had been in the emergency room for about half an hour to nurses came out and got me explaining that there was a special room near where Aileen was being worked on and they thought it would be a good idea if I waited there.  And by this time the fear was so strong that I was literally stopping.  90 min. after Aileen had been in the emergency room a nurse and a priest came into the room where I was waiting because they did not expect her to live.  And again I have no idea how to explain what I was feeling no idea at all.

But miraculously after three hours and the nursing team came out and the doctor who was in charge of trying to save Aileen’s life came in and sat down with me and said that they were able to stabilize her.  But that her condition was extremely grave.  So they took her upstairs to intensive care.  And I was told that everyone thought it would be a good idea if I went home and got some rest.  Because it was now almost 7 in the morning.

MetroHealth medical center is actually about 1 mile away from where Aileen and I live in Cleveland.  And because I had to give up my license a few years before.  Because of terrible arthritic issues.  I had to walk that 1 mile from the hospital back home.  And in the midst of it all.  One of the most remarkable things in my life happened.  As I was crossing one intersection.  Because I was having so much trouble walking with my cane I was in the middle of the intersection when the light changed.  And I was so scared that I could not get across the street.  Quick enough and because of everything going on with Aileen that I began crying.  And I waved my hand that this one person who was in an SUV trying to explain that I was trying to get across the street as quickly as possible.  And this man stepped out of his SUV and simply said to me that as far as he was concerned, I should take all the time I needed.  And as he said that a number of the other drivers waiting at the stop light nodded their heads.  To this very day.  I have no idea who that wonderfully kind man was but in the midst of my absolute terror that single memory always makes me cry because I was so terrified.

Aileen remained at MetroHealth medical center for the next week.  And because I could not drive because I had given up my license.  I had to walk to and from Metro twice a day to make sure I was there for Aileen when she would wake up and so that I could make sure that the last thing she saw as she fell asleep was me.  So during that week.  I walked over 20 miles which I had no problem doing.  But I had to do so using a cane and walking that 1 mile usually took me a few hours.  Because it is rather difficult for me to walk.  But I did not care.  A couple of the nurses even remarked how amazing it was that I always wanted to make sure that when Aileen got her breakfast tray that the first thing she saw was my face.

So that night as I was leaving MetroHealth medical center on March 21.  Not only did I have to walk that mile.  But when Aileen was taken to intensive care.  My heart was literally being ripped out of me.  Aileen.  Not only hardly knew where she was.  But she had no sense of time.  When they asked her who was president, Aileen responded by saying purple.  When they asked her if she knew what day it was.  She said 125.  But remarkably when I took her hand in mine and leaned close to her and whispered in her ear that I would be back in the morning.  Even know she could not talk, she squeezed my hand with hers.

So the next day, the doctor came in and all he said was that he was so terribly sorry but that Aileen had cancer.  Tears welled up in Aileen’s eyes and I sat there literally in shock.  The doctor then realized that we both needed a moment.  And Aileen looked at me and simply said, well, that is definitely not the news I wanted to hear.  And I simply said, nobody does.  No one wants to hear that.  And then she said, so what the hell am I going to do now?  And I got up out of my chair and took her hand and I told her that I promised her that somehow or other I would make sure that everything would be okay.  One way or the other.  I would do everything I could to make sure everything would be okay.

So that night when I went home.  I immediately gathered every single record and document that we had scattered all over the house and organize them all through the night in 245 files in three file cabinet drawers which I maintain to this day.  And then because the next day.  Aileen was going to be involved with a lot of testing I was not going to go out and see her until almost 2 PM.  So I made over 50 phone calls in Cleveland and throughout Ohio, begging for someone to please help me.  I never asked anyone to fix anything.  I just wanted them to please help me to give her a fair shot.  That is all I wanted.  And so as a result, when I went out at 2 PM.  Aileen was of course horribly depressed and scared.  They told her that she only had about two months.  And she looked at me and said that this would never be enough time for us to complete everything.  And all I told her was that nobody knows anything.  And she said, but it is only two months.  And I said no, it is not.  She said, but that is what they are telling me.  And I said if you believe that then you have got no chance.  And then she asked me what she was going to do and I told her that of all the times in her life that she wanted life.  Of all the time she wanted to ever live in her life.  This was the time she was going to have to want to live more than anything else.  And she said by the golf I can do that.  And I said, it does not matter because you will have to.  And she said that she was scared and I told her I would be amazed if you were not.

And the very next day, doctors and people connected with hospice here in Cleveland got involved and Aileen was going to be given hospice care at home.  So, evidently my phone calls where I was literally begging for her life, evidently worked.

The point of my telling you everything I just did is extremely important.  Because unless you understand the actual face of fear regarding cancer regarding the very end of your life then you understand nothing.  Because in reality there is nothing I could ever say that would be enough in the way of praise and gratitude for every single doctor and every single medical professional who is connected with Aileen’s care.  The people from VNA hospice were literally like sisters of Mercy.  In my entire life here on earth I had never experienced any time that was as difficult as strenuous where I was so literally terrified every single second, as I was while Aileen was dying during those eight months.  But it is important to understand that there is a significant difference between the people in the field who are right there by the side of the one you love trying to save their life or to extend their life.  There is a huge difference between them and the way that medical care in the United States is being handled.  Because the administration of medical care in the United States is not only disgusting.  But it is absolutely one of the worst nightmare as I have ever seen in my entire life.  And yet the administration of medical care has in no way or takes away.  He in no way from the level of absolute genius and kindness and compassion from the medical people who are actually in the trenches every second.  It is like there are two distinct systems that work.  On the one hand you have doctors and nurses and medical professionals who are all of one mind.  Save that life.  And then on the other hand you have the administration of medical care in the United States including the insurance industry which is one of the most disgusting nightmares I have ever seen in all the 61 years I have lived here on Earth.  It is terrible is horrible.  And the way that the United States and the culture of the United States and the government of the United States handles medical care in this country not only needs to be changed.  But it is absolutely one of the worst systems I have ever seen ever under any circumstances.  And it needs to be expressed very clearly, that just because the administration of medical care in this country is absolutely disgusting.  And based on greed and selfishness and lying none of that has anything to do whatsoever in any way with the level of care and compassion.  And as I said absolute medical genius that exists in these brilliant doctors and nurses and medical professionals.  Just because the administration of medical care in this country is one of the worst things that humanity has ever done to itself has nothing to do with these brilliant men and women who are in the trenches every second.  Nothing to do with their unbelievably courageous and wonderful effort.  Nothing to do with it at all.

But because of the way that our government and our culture defines how they manage medical care in this country, the choices that anyone such as myself have to go through when they are confronted with everything I just wrote down in this Journal entry.  When anyone abuzz is confronted with that kind of scenario every fiber of your heart is being ripped apart.  So if the administration of medical care in this country had any kind of decency which it does not that as I was watching all of this take place with my very soul being ripped to shreds the management of medical care in this country would not have been defined in such a way so that it was so confusing and ambivalent and so difficult to trying to make any reasonable choice about how to save Aileen’s life became far more difficult than it should have been.  But it was.  And because the way that America handles medical care in this country is become nothing more than a bastardization of any kind of compassion.  After all that I had to go through watching my darling wife Aileen die after I used every single ounce of everything inside of me to get her as much time as possible then because the state of Ohio and the Republicans are so stupid and greedy Mike DeWine for the stale I will send me a medical invoice explaining that the Medicaid funds that were given to try and save Aileen’s life must now be paid back.  So already I have lost my wife I have lost the one thing in my life I have loved more than anything else.  Already I have gone through so many dark moments in my mind and in my heart that there had been many nights when I was praying to God that I could die.  And always there was hardly anyone here to help me in any way.  And as low as I was how did the state of I will respond?  How did the Republicans respond?  How did Mike DeWine respond?  The Republicans and might DeWine responded to my pain and suffering by basically telling me that as far as they are concerned they did not give a damn about my pain.  Because all they wanted was their stupid bastard money.  They wanted their $40,000 back.  And they did not give a damn about the fact I lost my wife.  They did not give a damn about any of the brilliant effort that the doctors and nurses had gone through just try to save her life.  They did not give a damn about any of that.  Because all they wanted was their stupid bastard bloodmoney.

And that is why I say that you are looking at two distinct systems.  The medical performance that these doctors and nurses go through in order to save the lives of the ones we love are so beyond genius.  And so courageous and so compassionate, that there are not enough words in my heart to express my gratitude.  And at the same time a bastard, asinine and ugly behavior that Mike DeWine India the Republicans are showing me by commanding $40,000 clearly shows me that the manner in which medical care in this country is administered is nothing short of being put in front of a firing squad and shot to death.  Because the way that medical care in the United States is being handled is not only an absolute and harassment.  But it really is an act of absolute violation by everyone involved in the medical administration process.  It is a violation in every way to being pro-life or caring at all or showing any compassion.  Because the administration of medical care in the United States has no compassion.  The administration of medical care in the United States has no kindness.  The administration of medical care in United States does not give a damn about anything.  Because all they want is their money.  And leading the charge are, asinine pieces of crap bastards who are Republicans like Mike DeWine and the other tea party bastards and Republican pieces of crap bastards in Congress because all they are concerned about is getting their money and they do not give a damn if they take your home and they do not give a damn if they take everything you own because all they want is their money because all you are to them is nothing but a piece of garbage.  Because the Republicans do not give a damn about anyone in this country.  And neither do the Christian conservatives who support the Republicans and neither does the tea party.  They do not give a damn about anyone in this country.  Because all they care about is beating the hell out of you and taking you.  And even killing you.  As long as they can get their money because they do not like anyone in this country they hate everyone they hate all Americans and they hate anyone who is sick they hate anyone who is suffering.  Because when you are suffering all they can do is insult you and demand that you give them every bit of money you have because you have no value to that whatsoever.

And if that is not a broken medical system then I do not know what is.

As anyone who knows me will verify I have been living as a transgendered female.  For well over 40 years.  And as everyone who was even part of what was going on with Aileen will be able to verify also.  I had to hide my Transgenderism from the people at MetroHealth medical center.  Because both Aileen and I were convinced that if anyone at MetroHealth medical center had discovered I was a transgendered female then Aileen very well might not have gotten the medical care she needed.

But even beyond that, Mike DeWine India the Republicans do not give a damn about the level of suffering they have caused me.  They do not give a damn about the fact that their demand for $40,000 and putting a lien on my home.  The one thing I have left from losing my darling Aileen has actually caused me countless nights of nightmares.  They do not give a damn about the fact that I mentally ill.  And that I am usually so terrified of living in this home alone because I do not have anyone really helping me.  And I have to live in this house realizing that even though I own this house that bastards like Mike DeWine India the Republicans are going to take this home away from me because they basically hate me so much.  And they hate everyone in this country so much that they do not care how many people in the United States they murder and they do not care how many children and women they absolutely cut open and kill and shoot to death.  Because all Mike DeWine and the Republicans care about is getting their money.  Which is why I have a letter from Mike DeWine demanding that I pay Mike DeWine and the Republicans and Medicaid $40,000 when that $40,000 was told to me meaning when Medicaid services were being provided for Aileen, that I was told that those services were being granted on the basis of charity.  Which means that Medicaid lied to me.  It means that the Republican Party lied to me.  It means that Mike DeWine and the other bastard Republicans are nothing but filthy liars.  And it also means that medical care in the United States, meaning the administration of medical care in the United States has become nothing but one of the worst bastardization’s of economics.  I have ever witnessed in my entire life.  And that is the other side of the argument.

Because several times during the 18 years Aileen and I were married.  We had conversations repeatedly where we were seeing survivors of a spouse, who died of cancer, who ended up with so many medical bills that in many cases the person would kill themselves because they could not pay the medical bills.  In other situations we saw people sitting on their front lawn during a sheriff sale.  One the medical institution with police were actually taking all of the possessions out of that person’s home and throwing them into the Street.  So Aileen and I discussed many times before March 21, 2010 that we never wanted to do that to each other.  The matter what.  And that is why I say that the way that medical administration is handled in this country is disgusting.  Because all the while I was making those arrangements to do everything I could to at least give Aileen more time to live.  Just so that we could finish tidying up things before she died.  Not once.  Not even one single time that any member of the medical administration part of Aileen’s care ever come forward.  Nor did anyone from the state of Ohio, nor anyone from the government ever come forward and explained to Aileen and I that any money.  They might pay out to try and save Aileen’s life would have to be paid back Erie it.  Because if they had done that I can guarantee you, without any doubt Aileen would never have taken any care whatsoever.  She would have refused every single bit of care she got.  Because she would have never wanted me saddled with $40,000 of medical debt.  But because the tea party and the Republican Party and Mike DeWine basically have no soul and they basically hate God as much as they hate everyone in this country.  And because they are basically selfish ruthless pieces of crap bastards.  They do not give a damn about ruining the lives of anyone as long as they get the money they want because they are wealthy Rick pieces of crap bastards and nothing more.  Just like the tea party and just like the Republican Party they are fascist disgusting pieces of crap bastards.  And every aspect of the medical administration in this country is just as guilty.

Because the way that medical care in this country is administered has put me in this situation while I am 61 years old.  Having to live in constant fear because I understand very clearly that because of the lien they have put on my home that I will never as long as I live be able to secure any kind of financial assistance to adequately maintain this house.  And that is exactly what the tea party and the Republican Party and Mike DeWine want.  They want to make sure that they reduce the civility and the rights of the American people to nothing because they do not want Americans to have any rights they do not want Americans to have any dignity.  They do not want America’s they have any peace of mind.  They do not want Americans to have a damn thing because they want everything for themselves.  Which is why when you listen to the Christian conservative extremists and the tea party and the Republican Party all you ever hear them talking about when you bring up the subject of someone becoming ill is that the person who is ill is nothing but a stupid bastard and a burden and that they should die.  Because that is the answer I get from most Republicans and people who are tea party members and it is exactly the answer that I get from most right wing Christian conservative extremists.

And that is the position of being pro-life, that there is something definitely wrong with how we define pro-life in this country.

So, where this Journal entry started out talking about my own experience.  It is coming down to something much different.  Because this Journal entry is not talking just about my own situation it is talking about.  Every single man woman and child in this country who is either facing a terminal illness or the people who are loving them and facing that terminal illness with them.  Because the way that medical administration in this country is being handled is putting choices upon every single person confronted with those life-and-death decisions so much pressure and so much confusion, that trying to make any reasonable decision is virtually impossible.  And that is exactly the way that stupid bastards like Eric Cantor any other asinine piece of crap bastards of the tea party and the Republican Party and Mike DeWine want things.  They want things to be confusing.  They want people to lose their homes.  They want men and women and children to die in the streets because all they care about is getting their money and a do not give a damn about being pro-life.  They do not give a damn about God.  They do not give a damn about this country.  They do not give a damn about anything except getting their money.  And what is really sad is that I am not the only one who suffering as a result of this.  Because there are millions of Americans in this country who are being victimized by the unscrupulous bastard to are administering medical care in this country.  There are millions of Americans in this country who are being reduced to nothing.  Because of the selfish bastard behavior up asinine pieces of garbage like Mike DeWine and the Republicans and the tea party.  There are millions of Americans who are losing their homes.  There are millions of Americans who are going through decisions that are so absolutely agonizing while the Republican Party and the tea party and the Christian conservatives and Mike DeWine, did you nothing but complain and bitch and moan how the people who are ill should simply die and get out of the way because all we are is nothing but an inconvenience to them.

Which is why I had to laugh the other day when I saw the article about how the medical system is now overwhelmed.  Because of all of the cuts that the Republicans and the tea party have made the medical system as a result of those cuts doctors and nurses are now becoming overwhelmed.  Because of so much medical need.  And yet those cuts have gone through.  And as I said the other day and my article a lot of those doctors and nurses who are being overwhelmed are members of the Republican Party and members of the tea party.  And so basically the tea party is telling their own followers that the tea party members in Congress basically hate anyone who is a tea party member because they do not like anyone.  Because if they cared about anyone they would have never placed that kind of burden on the people who are supporting them.  Which is exactly what they did.  Because there are members in the medical community who are Republicans and tea party members and yet they are being victimized by the unscrupulous selfish bastard attitude of the Republican Party and the tea party in Congress.  So basically the tea party and the Republican Party is turning their backs on those who support them by making all these cuts because the attitude of the Republican Party and the tea party is that when someone is sick unless it is someone they care about that the person who is sick is nothing but a piece of crap and garbage and should simply die and get out of the way so that the tea party at Republican Party can have more money that is the attitude they present.

And that is why the two aspects of the medical system in the United States cannot be compared.  Because on the one hand you have the people who are in the field the nurses and doctors who are displaying so much medical genius and the actual spirit of loving and kindness and compassion that is beyond anything that could ever be put into words.  And at the same time on the other side of the equation.  You have the way that medical care is administered in this country.  And it has become nothing more than being put in front of a firing squad and shot to death.  Because Eric Cantor any other stupid bastards in Congress who are Republicans do not give a damn how many Americans they murder or how many people’s lives.  They rule in.  Because all they care about is getting their money.  Money means everything.  People’s rights means nothing.  Being kind means nothing.  Human decency means nothing.  Pro-life means nothing.  Because they do not care about any of that all they want is their money.  And if they have to kill their own families and murdered children by the dozens they will do that to get their money.  And that is how medical care is administered in this country.

The doctors and the nurses and the technicians go out and spend hours and hours and hours doing everything they can to be sisters of Mercy and to help anyone who is in need of medical care.  And yet the administration of that medical care has become nothing short of a bloodbath.  It is become nothing short of one of the most disgusting displays of humans acting like pieces of garbage that I had ever seen in my entire life.

Which is why there are many nights when I go to sleep.  And I pray to God that I will die as soon as possible.  Because I do not get any real psychological help to deal with what I had to watch during those eight months.  What I get instead is being insulted by the Republican Party and the tea party and Mike DeWine, who basically do not give a damn about my loss.  They do not give a damn about my being Jewish.  They do not give a damn about my being an American citizen.  They do not give a damn about the fact that I loved Aileen more than I love my own life because all they want is their money and that is exactly why the administration of medical care in the United States has become such a terrible embarrassment and so broken that millions of lives in the United States are suffering as a result of the selfishness and agreed and the outright hatred that the Republican Party and the tea party has for the American general citizenry.

And that is yet another reason why I am writing this article.  Because I am not the only one who had had to confront those choices.  I am not the only one who had to try and figure out what kind of choices to make in the middle of absolute and sheer terror.  And as I said there is nothing I can ever say.  In any way that would adequately describe my gratitude to the people in VNA hospice or Malachi house, or any of the other amazing medical people and all that they did to simply try and give Aileen after huge lifetime of terrible suffering and pain.  Just a little bit of dignity before she died.

And yet at the same time there are millions of Americans in this country who will never be lucky enough for whatever reason to have the same kind of dignity that again for whatever reason I was able to fight for and make sure that Aileen got before she died.  And that yet again is another signal that the administration of medical care in the United States is not only broken, but it has virtually been turned into a bloodbath.

And if I did not go through all of the details that I just have gone through.  You would never understand the level of suffering that I had to experience.  And that I did experience as a result of how deeply I love to and how absolutely, irrevocably and deeply I love my darling wife Aileen.  And yet my love is no less than anyone else’s in this country for their loved one.  And yet millions of Americans in this country are being victimized by the absolute bastard behavior of the right wing extremists and the Republican Party and the tea party who are so greedy and hateful that they are actually taking away services from people who are members of their own political party in the medical profession.  Because not every single person in the medical profession is a Democrat.  There are many people in emergency rooms right now who are members of the Republican Party and the tea party.  And yet they are just as overwhelmed.  Because of the broken medical system that the Republican Party and tea party have virtually cut to the bone as every other medical person.  So the tea party and the Republican Party are basically saying with their actions that they hate anyone who is one of their followers.  Because they do not give a damn about anyone who supports their political party because all they care about is getting their money and they want everyone who is a member of the tea party and everyone who is a member of the Republican Party to understand that it is the duty of every person who is a Republican or tea party member to fall on their sword and die.  So that the tea party members and Republican Party people in Washington can continue to cut and destroy services in this country.  Because they continually yell and scream about how the wealthy are the only ones who are suffering in the United States.  So the Republican Party and the tea party will do everything they can to screw the medical system and to destroy the medical system.  Because the Republican Party and the tea party does not look at anyone who is sick as needing any help they always look at people who are sick as being nothing but a piece of crap and a burden.  Because the Republican Party and the tea party want to make sure that everyone in history.  And everyone in the entire world will know that they stood for only one thing protecting the wealthy in protecting the large corporations no matter how many children die no matter how many many women suffer and die because Eric Cantor and the tea party the Republican Party do not give a damn about how many people like dad.  They do not care if they have to walk over thousands of dead bodies to go to work at the office because all they care about is making sure that they protect the wealthy and the large corporations.  And if they have to murder every Republican and every single person who is a tea party member in this country that the tea party members and the Republican Party and what she did will do just that they will kill every Republican they will murder every member of the tea party they will take away services from everyone.  They will take away services from even their own family to make sure they protect the wealthy and that they themselves get all the services they want.  And that is exactly why the administration of medical care in this country is so broken.

And for anyone to think it has been easy for me to dictate these words into this Journal entry by virtue of anyone who thinks that they will be stating categorically with that position that they are so stupid that they have no idea how hard it has been for me to compose this Journal entry.  Because it has actually been one of the hardest things I have had to do since Aileen died.

But if I am going to do any good with this Journal, then let that good or that greater good be done now.

And this of course is one of the reasons I am no longer afraid of dying.  Because I know in my heart and soul that no matter how much hatred that the Republicans have for me and no matter how much hatred the various people in Cleveland or the TV stations and radio stations have for me.  And no matter how much hatred that so many people in the world have for me.  That there are thousands, literally tens of thousands of people throughout the world who are reading this Journal and showing me absolutely fantastic compassion and support and I also know that no matter how much Mike DeWine and the Republican Party and tea party want to place themselves as being more important than I am they will never be able to say they are more important than I am before the very God they claim to worship.  Because there is no importance of one over another in the eyes of God.

Which again is why I am not really afraid of dying.  Because when I die I will have to be part of this absolute disgusting piece of crap madness of how medical care is administered in this country where there are every single year in the United States 5.5 million women who are being raped and beaten and murdered.  Where every 15 min. in the United States another child or adult become so scared and terrified within themselves that the only thing they can think of doing is taking their own life.  And where is the help for any of these people?  That help is not there.  And it is not there.  Because the bastards of the Republican Party and tea party have done everything they could to got the system to destroy the system.  Because they do not want anyone having any access to medical care they do not want anyone having any kind of peace of mind in their lives.  They do not want anyone to have any rights in this country unless they are Republican white and Christian.  So as far as Eric Cantor the Republican Party and Mike DeWine are concerned if they have to murder every Jew and kill every Muslim in this country.  They do not care because all they care about is getting their money and making sure that they go down in history being known for how much hatred they have for the Constitution and how much hatred they have for everyone in the United States who is not white and Christian and how much hatred they have for everyone who is a Republican and everyone who is a member of their own party and everyone who supports the Republicans and the tea party if those people are in fact in any industry that will take any money away from Mike DeWine, or the Republican Party.  Because the Republican Party has no political allegiance to anyone that follows their own political party.  Because the Republican Party does not give a damn about anyone who is a Republican unless that person who is a Republican has lots of money to give them.  Which is exactly why the Republican Party and tea party do not give a damn about anyone in the medical industry or supporting them.  And why the Republican Party and tea party have done everything they could to make it the administration of medical care in this country as difficult as possible.  And as confusing as possible so that the level of choices that individuals have to make when they are confronted with the absolute most terrifying aspect of anything that anyone of us could confront is a medical administration that is so absolutely broken that making those choices becomes virtually impossible.  Which is why so many Americans are losing their homes as a result of medical debt.  And what is the Republican Party and the tea party doing about this?  They are doing nothing because what they are doing is seeing an opportunity to throw those people who are in debt as a result of medical costs to throw them out of their homes and take their homes like they are going to take mine.  Because they have no soul.  They do not care about the Constitution.  They do not care about American people they do not care about being liked.  They do not care about anything except making sure they protect the wealthy and protect the large corporations.  And that they screw everyone they possibly can because they do not give a damn if they have to take a gun and murder children and shoot them to death in the street.  Because that is exactly the kind of monsters they have become and every single American citizen in this country who has ever supported that kind of attitude is responsible for that kind of attitude now becoming the absolute monster that it is.

And for my part I do not really give a damn.  Because of I die tomorrow.  I do not see the downside.  Because of I die tomorrow I go back to God.  And I go into the arms of my darling wife Aileen.  And I do not see the downside of that.  And that is why I also say categorically because of all the conversations Aileen and I had before she became terminally ill, that if she knew in any way that I would be saddled with this kind of medical debt.  She would have never, under any circumstances, ever agreed ever to allow anyone to do anything for medically.  Because she would never want me saddled with this kind of debt like I am.  And the tea party and the Republican Party and Mike DeWine are doing nothing to resolve that that.  They are doing nothing to show me any kind of kindness or humanity.  Not one single thing.  And for anyone to think that they are not good to be judged by God for that kind of terrible behavior is for that person to admit that they do not believe in God.

So this article is not about me.  It is about.  Every single man woman and child in this country who is facing a terminal illness condition whether that condition be with themselves or someone they love.  Because as I said, there are two sides to this equation.  There is the side of the brilliant workers the doctors and nurses in the field who are actually the sisters of Mercy they are those rocks that we all grab onto in desperation and in our fear.  And the other side of the equation is what bastards like Mike DeWine and Eric Cantor and the Republican Party have done to medical administration in this country.  And if it is not fixed millions will die and the blood for all of those deaths will be on the hands of asinine bastards like Eric Cantor and Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney and Rick Perry.  Whether they like it or not.  Because every single day men women and children are dealing with the very same horrific choices I have had to describe year that I had to go through with my darling Aileen.  And that is the point of this Journal article.  Not what happened to me.  But what is happening to all of you.

 

"THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.

THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant.

THEN THEY CAME for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up."

Pastor Martin Niemöller

    See Also:

    Child Poverty Statistics:

  • 25,000 children die each day from poverty
  • 1041 children die every hour due to poverty
  • 17 children die every minute from poverty
  • 750,000 children die every month from poverty
  • 9,000,000 children die every year from poverty

Child mortality Statistics:

  • 9.2 million children die every year
  • 780,000 children die every month
  • 26,000 children die every day
  • 18 children die every minute

An estimated 9.2 million children under the age of five will die this year – nearly 26,000 per day or 18 every minute. This is greater than the annual number of deaths from 1. AIDS (2 million), malaria (900,000), and tuberculosis (1.5 million) combined. 2. Neonatal disorders, pneumonia and diarrhea are the major causes of under-five mortality.

Globally, 80 percent of all child deaths are due to only a handful of causes: neonatal causes, pneumonia, diarrhea, and malaria. 3. Pneumonia or sepsis, pre-term delivery, and asphyxia at birth are the leading causes of neonatal deaths. Malnutrition is responsible for over a third of child deaths.

From: http://www.globalhealth.org/child_health/child_mortality/

Not one single penny that the pro-life movement spends on their so-called pro-life movement goes toward saving any of these “living” children’s lives. Not one single cent. Which means that the pro-life movement is not pro-life at all. Because their money is “not” going to save any living life on this planet. Their money is only going toward forcing women to bear children against their will. And that’s not how their own God, Jesus Christ defines pro-life.

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With 78% of the population of the United States being Christian, (US Religious Demographic Statistics ) that also means that 78% of all the:

incidents that take place every year, are committed by approximately 78% of the population, meaning people who claim to be Christians. (US Religious Demographic Statistics ). And that is something that the Christian conservatives , and those who are Catholics, do not want to discuss, or admit to. However, since 78% of the population is Christian, or claiming to be so. That then means that the above numbers are … true. And that one single fact of the matter, pretty much certifies that when the Christian conservatives are claiming to be pro-life, they are obviously NOT TALKING ABOUT be pro-life when it comes to the lives of these children. Because if they were, then these numbers would not exist, in the manner that they do.

It’s all about being responsible and taking responsibility for one’s free-will choices and free-will actions that one makes.

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For the record, I not now, nor have I ever hated any human being on earth. I do not hate, regarding my spirituality, and spiritual beliefs, anything that God did make. Meaning that I do not hate the “humanity” that exists within any human being. However, God did not make the personal choices that humans make, regarding how they behave, and/or present themselves, to the world. So if a human being chooses, of their own free will to demonstrate their behavior with racism, bigotry, prejudice, and hatred for other humans, on the basis of their own free will choice as to how they define their spirituality within themselves, that is their own choice. So I do not hate any human being for being that which God did make. I hate only the choice and the manner in which humans have decided to demonstrate their behavior to one another. I do not hate religion. However, I will never give my support to “any” religion, that has ever caused harm to, or killed, a single human being, in any way, as a result of the religion demonstrating, or manifesting it’s presence in the world. If any religion has ever harmed or killed a single human being, I respect the right of all humans to believe what they want in life. I, personally, will under no circumstances give my support for any religion, or theological belief, that has ever harmed or killed even a single human being. This is what I have dedicated my life to as a spiritualist and a pacifist here on earth. So any attempt by anyone to portray me as hating anyone. Because that is not so. The foregoing clearly shows that I have no hatred for humankind or for any religion.

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For the record, I am pro-life . I do not support violence against, or the killing of any human being under any circumstances! And the only way that I ever deviate from that stand is that I do not believe that God has ever given any human the right to dictate to any woman how she is to arbitrate her life with the Almighty, and/or God . Therefore, I believe that all women deserve the right to choose for themselves the fate of their own bodies, pursuant to their relationship with the Almighty, and/or God . My position regarding this statement is more fully explained in my article entitled: Second Gear.

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Further Reading:

My Significant Journal Entries:

  1. My Biographical Profile
  2. Distractions
  3. My Spinal Injuries
  4. Now We’re Having Fun, Right?
  5. My Complete Medical Record Of My Caregiving For Aileen
  6. Connections
  7. Finding Neverland
  8. I Never Want To Stop Crying For My Darling Aileen
  9. How Do I love thee. The First Anniversary Of Aileen’s Rosebush
  10. Oh There You Are
  11. My Philosophy of Life
  12. Second Gear, My discussion of my Pro-Life, and Pro-Choice Position
  13. The Time I was hired to photograph and met President-elect Ronald Reagan
  14. My 250 Million Variable Characteristic Hieroglyphic Language
  15. My Global Warming Research
  16. Quantum Mechanics And Newtonian Metaphysics, Originally Dictated On Friday March 19, 2010 (two days before Aileen collapsed and was told she only had 2 months left to live
  17. Magnitude 2.6 Earthquake In Central California
  18. Earth Preaching
  19. When Cancer Meets City Code
  20. Religion 101
  21. I Am An Iconoclastic Human Rights Advocate
  22. The Dark Lord
  23. Sand On The Floor
  24. ACLU Court Challenge Religious Restrictions Government Funded Trafficking Victims Program
  25. Penelope Cruz even looks good in menswear
  26. An Update On How Mike DeWine Is Trying To Take My Home Away From Me
  27. The Truth Game
  28. The Tortoise And The Hare
  29. A Human Comedy
  30. Fear: One of Life’s Great Motivators
  31. Give Me That Old Time Religion
  32. The Shadow People
  33. Also To Be Noted
  34. At Last
  35. Midnight Madness
  36. The Miracle of Synchronicity
  37. A Speck Of Dust On A Dirty Beach